Latest Event Updates
3 months since my last post, I was recovering. That 2 week long agony was the worse I ever endured. Few doctors confirmed that my problem was never mental. It was more like my mental was affected by my physical. My medication finally worked, I got BP below 130 reading. I seem to be functioning normally without that episodic mindfuck I experienced while having blood pressure like 150++ up to 167 to 170+.. that is while in my most relaxed moment.
I remembered how I just felt pain, unusual and un-explainable pain which terribly paralyzed me from doing absolutely anything. Now, I am almost to my normal state, but still have few limits like can’t stay up late and doing heavy physical or mental activity.
I’m hanging on with my medication, lowering my blood pressure, cholesterol and uric acid. I have risk of stroke, gout, heart attack & any organ failure. Got to continue living, and compassion compels me to do so….
He is a friend I knew for a very long time. We were close and I was with him since the time I could speak clearly.
Everyone around him progressed through life, yet he end up leading a sedentary passive life. While everyone he knew have a career, university educated, married with children, owned a car and living their life, he was stuck back to the condition ten years prior. No work, education, relationship, or any interest. Instead, he relied upon the fear of death and sadness of people he loved if he is gone to continue living. He is what commonly called, a hopeless adult. In his mind he wished to be dead in his sleep.
I try to understand and help him after I met him few years ago. No big change in his life, as if every time he progressed, something just holding or pushing him back to point zero. I always ask myself, What curse befell him? He tried hard the things we took for granted, yet he failed over and over.
He was into drugs with me few years back because he wants to be in the zone. Yeah, right! A year before there was a break up between him and his ‘ultimate love’ and he was with a new girl he just put up randomly. His idea on love was a thing of mystery for me because he was more deeply in love with a girl he never got into a proper courting ritual. I mean, this guy fell more in love with a girl which he got an affinity with, but never got the chance to at least say he was interested with her.
His story was worth mentioning because it was very hopeless and depressive, I got to get rid of it from my system. Imagine a guy who got all these unbearable stupidity, yet so wise and mature in very big complex things. Completely helpless, hopeless, totally.
We were smoking pot, speed, meth, popping pills, drinking codeine and morphine like liquor and many things. Those were the days, without pain and only adventure, but this guy was bitter. So grim all the time, he got this ultra-negative energy even a tropical beach can become a grave yard with his presence.
Nah, I would not start with a childhood. How about the fun part, the sex and drugs?
So we were going to be kicked out of university, and the best way to end it was fucking around. I knew this girl which was an ex-girlfriend of my friend, but we just knew each other way back. Eventually, she was living across the street to the house I always lounged most of the days in a week.
Every morning I tried to pick her up after my usual breakfast ritual, I am a morning person by the way. Many times I tried to have a conversation with her, but I have a tendency to think more than twice before acting. One day, I rode a bike and stopped next to her for a chat. She stands frozen all of a sudden, turning her face towards me and smile. Yeah, I responded the same way while my hand grasping the bike handle and said Hi. Then I just asked mundane everyday generic questions to her like, You go to class everyday at the same time? Anyway she responded nicely, so before she wants to continue her walk to school I asked for a date in the evening.
Morning turn to dusk, she came out of her house with t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops. My friend was using the bike, so we took a stroll along the straight road ahead with houses in between. Talking and smiling until we arrive at the nearest restaurant there. An area filled with student will always be full for dinner, but we were lucky because there was many restaurants with tables flooding from inside the shop house to the street.
We ate and chat again, finished and we walked towards the park not far. We sat on a bench continued with our chat looking at the night sky while ignoring the ugly view of uncut weeds, over grown trees and grass with rusted objects lying around. She smelled nice, and I was horny so I suddenly gave her a back massage. Then hugged her, she pushed me and then I knew she got a boyfriend. I wasn’t sad, she told me about her friend and gave me her Yahoo ID. I was like yeah, kept it in my mind. Back home, I saw my friend was playing the guitar in-front of the guys. I said Hi, he smiled and every looked at me and asked how was my date. I gave a grin and they ask me to join them for a jam. Yeah, we played music together without the drums.
Session ended, and my friend asked anything for him. I gave him the Yahoo ID, and he just run towards the PC adding her to his Yahoo Messenger List. He was a player alright, he had a record once of dating 9 girls in one day and fukking occasionally with girls. Sometimes he is strange, because he can be with one girl and be so loyal to her. Like few months before this I gave him the Yahoo ID, he was with this girl for almost a year. He gave everything to her and ended up frustrated. I guess he does look like an awfully frustrated guy, occasionally drinks and take drugs like no tomorrow.
…………………………………………………….. to be continued
Breathing, moving, thinking and talking
But Scared in perpetual anxiety
Upon the world outside
From all sides
Like a drill as heavy as anvil
Wielding its will upon me
Leaving burning scars
Turned to bloody gash wound
All in all, better off dead
All in all, better off dead
Laid to waste by numbness
Cold, solitary, hopeless
Dreaded threat in single thread
Weaving a tapestry of suffering
Showcasing the living undead
All in all, better off dead
All in all, better off dead
Laid to waste by numbness
Cold, solitary, hopeless
Heavy was the burden like concrete cement
Carrying the loads like no more tomorrow
Carve this soul with blade of torment
Let the wound rot as feast for the worm of sorrow
-headsink 14th March 2012-
Do I belong to that group of people? Not admitting oneself as a Hipster was one criteria as a hipster. Plus, I am a slowpoke because this was a hype like 5 years ago. Emo(core) was the thing I am familiar with because it was everywhere back then. It was a disease(sorry for using that word) like none other, look at MySpace profiles, there would be a quarter or more “Emo” friends posing like lady-boys or a mutant Visual-K out of nowhere.
I am into music and most “Emo” just look as such, but personally its just an abortion of Emo as a sub-genre from Hardcore Punk. Anyway, most Emo died out or just grew up into something else. Let us put that aside and focus on a trend happening at the same time, while I was in the dark, in my little cave meditating. Yes, I am talking about Hipsters. Thousands and Millions have been discussing it for years, but I was again in the dark and discovered this very colorful genus few months ago.
Hipsters were very strange indeed because they never admit as one, because the label only given by non-hipster. They prefer to be identified as “Indie” or sometimes they lurk into the Punk scene unnoticed. They have one strange difference, they party to everything Retro. There was basically no ideology behind it except for being ironic. Its everywhere now, with bands playing in MTV and radio stations. So many of them, one might be reading this obscure blog. This blog at least not a sellout like Pitchfork Media, Vice, Clash Music, Cobra Snake.
I guess some still confused about hipster and the thing I’m talking about previously. Let us start with a diagram of a typical hipster and get a general idea, like the one below:
The guy above generally describe a hipster with one thing forgotten, a Fixie(Fixed Gear Bike). So I guess, you probably met one by now, especially if you are in a big city. Anyway I am not in any way to bash this elusive type, but I may want to enlighten myself to the thing I missed within the previous few years.
I guess this is just a social accident. Personally, I don’t wear any skinny tight jeans, spandex, flannel, but I do wear a thick rimmed glass for work. Smoking and drinking were thing of the past because I believe in leading a healthy life. Those ‘Indie’ bands were never in my list of favorite, I listen to headbanging tunes. Surrealist and those vintage retro stuff were so yesterday, I prefer to move forward. So, no offence to Hipster, I know even the term was derogatory like calling a Salafi a Wahabi, but I can’t find any other term.
Musically, I was confused about this new “Indie” music which wasn’t like the Indie or Britpop stuff I knew during the 90’s. So it have to belong somewhere, I guess Hipster music(its more of a fashion than music IMHO). I will just stop here. Anyway below is a very quick guide to the urban hipster way made by trendhunter for the uninitiated:
Just search for those stuff mentioned in that video, you will get enlightenment into hipsterdom. IMHO since its gone mainstream, it defeat the whole thesis of it existence. So what the synthesis will be? While writing this hipster is still well alive and Williamsburg was like a Mecca for them, I wouldn’t know the outcome of this social accident. At least this hipster thing is over my head now, no more buzzing me around. Maybe the synthesis from the anti-thesis of Hipsterdom going mainstream might look like this:-
Just google it to understand more about hipster, I had enough of this. Now, I want to move forward. Next will be another chatter in my mind…….
*I had a strange connection problem while writing this, maybe due to some hipster hacker attack.
Blood pressure still abnormal, blood and urine got bad result:High Cholesterol. So, more medicine in my arsenal of medications.
This is a mind chatter, writing everything comes through my mind might be a stupid thing because I will have unlimited amount of things in mind unconnected. This will just be a summary of it, without any factual judgement attach to it. I will just express it like stream of thoughts according to my own experience.
How do I feel now? I just want to type out the sounds in my mind to you, the reader. And I am a little calmer now so a little boring because some would like Nuclear Explosion, Death and Hatred. Certainly this is not a moment of mindfulness to self observe like the one shown in that picture. Thus, this is not a moment for me to reflect, but a time for me to spit it out with less emotion like I usually did.
To reflect on something you need to think rationally. According to Laura R. Meers, Ph.D. on thinking rationally, you must have 5 criteria:
- Your thought is based on fact.
- Your thought will help to protect your life and health.
- Your thought will help you to achieve your short-term and long-time goals.
- Your thought will help you get along with others.
- Your thought will help you to feel the way you want to feel emotionally.
This post will have only one similar criteria, the 2nd point and 4th. The 1st point would just be loosely connected, and overall this post will be mostly influenced by my fluctuating emotions. Even-thought it doesn’t help me feel the way i want to feel, I feel better after spitting it out, thus agreeing with the 2nd criteria.
This medication makes my mind so silent now, I am going to sleep. This is not mindfulness, nor a solid state of consciousness which can help self-observation. Thus, I must end this mind chatter of mine which can be in between a state of reflection because I am somewhat rational. Maybe I will have an outburst or epiphany or “who knows what”. Good night or good day, to all the people in the universe.
It was hard waiting my queue. I did a full check up and guess what? My blood pressure was on average between 155/88 – 155/100, even after having a rest with mild sedative.
After I told my symptom of mania and all, I was obviously stressed to the point of depression and mania. But, thorough check of my retina and pressure I was immediately put to the sickbay and given mild sedative and lowering high blood pressure pill. The room was cozy, private and nice. I was there for few hours, asleep then when I woke up a nurse came do another pressure check.
She test my pressure with disbelieve, did it like 4 times on each arm. Even changed the instrument and asked senior nurse so they did it few times more, but the result was 155//88 even after I was in relaxed mind.
Then I met the doctor again, it was like my body effects my mind so they gave me medication for hypertension. Today I need to do another test, to see whether I got allergy with that medication. They will ask questions of my mental state, but my physical state was so obvious, I got hypertension.
Sometimes the body does effects the mind, maybe the hypertension made my head squeezed, hearing feed-backs, and all this mental state. Or maybe the other way around. My test wasn’t conclusive yet, but hypertension was absolutely there. Hypertension can cause brain lesion(injury) or any other organ problem. So that will be treated primarily.
I have to do check up everyday. Hypertension to depression or the other way around. What and why? still discovering.